How The Cookie Crumbles Read online

  The words burst out of me. “Yes! I’m alone. I’m all alone, and I’ll be alone for the rest of my natural life because all guys are pigs; huge, fat, stinking pigs who never think about anything but themselves and their need to have fun, fun, fun!”

  “Okey-dokey.” Even drunk, the guy could recognize a Looney Tune, and he turned back around. The hipster guy across the aisle from me slipped out of his seat and went to the back of the bus, preferring to deal with the gangsters back there instead of the insane chick. I got home, safely unmolested.

  I walked into the apartment and flopped onto the couch. My two roommates were both home, but locked away in their rooms since they still had exams left.

  Usually when I walked into the apartment, I felt all happy and safe. I loved nesting, and this place was my first big decorating project. I had sewn creamy linen curtains for the living room and made gorgeous jewel-toned cushions for the beige-y couch that Lauren had snuck out of her parent’s basement. I had reupholstered the fifties chair I found on Craigslist with a retro print and only stapled one finger in the process. And I had accessorized with free paintings from my friends in fine arts as well as fabric collages I made myself. Our place turned out pretty slick for student apartment. All our friends loved to hang out here, and normally I felt cheered up when I walked in after a hard day. But everything that happened tonight started to crowd out my brief happy feeling, and I could feel the tears welling up again. I think I had cried more in the last two days than in the last two years!

  Rex sauntered out to greet me. He was a black and white cat that I had found on my way home from classes over a year ago. When I met him, he was skinny and scabby and forlorn, and I fed him part of a leftover sandwich I had in my pack. After that he had followed me home and basically refused to leave. Although cats are supposed to be self-regulating around food, he seemed to remember his life on the street and basically ate everything I set in front of him in 90 seconds and then wanted more. He had expanded from skinny to fatty in no time, and although he adored me, he still hated the rest of mankind. My roommates barely tolerated him and Matt had suggested more than once that I take him to the shelter, since Rex had scratched him and insisted on sleeping on the bed between us and he snored. (I mean Rex snored, not Matt who had been perfect even while unconscious.) But who would ever adopt such a crabby cat? If I took him to the shelter, he would never find another home.

  “Oh Rexy, you were right. Matt was a tool! I should have listened to you.” I gave Rex a cat treat and then went into my bedroom. Rex followed me, either to comfort me or in hopes of more treats.

  I threw myself face down on the bed and sobbed. There was a knock on my door.

  “Frank? You okay?” Bianca’s voice called out.

  I lifted my head off the pillow and choked out the word “Fine.”

  Bianca walked in and Rex hissed at her. She hissed back and sat down on the bed beside me.

  “What’s wrong, sweetie?” She patted me on the back. I had already unloaded my whole sad breakup tale to her at breakfast.

  “Matt’s dating already. Tonight, he picked up Shawntell, one of the other waitresses at work and they left together. It hurt so much to see them go.” Yesterday was bad enough, but for Matt to start dating so quickly meant that this whole breakup was something he had planned way in advance. He couldn’t wait to start having fun with complete bimbos instead of boring me!

  “What an asshole! Like they couldn’t meet somewhere else, where you didn’t have to see them? I can’t believe him. Matt seemed like such a nice guy, and now he’s acting like a total douche. Has he had a concussion or something?”

  Bianca was properly indignant. I flipped over onto my back and looked up at her. Bianca had been a friend ever since I met her in Grade 8. She was smart and cute and Chinese, much like everyone else here at the University of a Billion Chinese. Bianca was in engineering and the uneven ratio of men to women meant that she could have a new boyfriend every week if she wanted. This male surplus made her very intolerant of bad boyfriends like Matt had turned out to be.

  I made a horrible face. “What am I going to do? I cried at work, I’ve never done that before and now I’m as lame and hormonal as everyone else. I work so hard to be professional and now everyone is going to feel sorry for me and think I’m an idiot.”

  “You’re not the idiot, he is, but still….”

  “Still, what?”

  “Maybe you should make a change, you hate your job and now it’s getting personal. You don’t want to have to see them together all summer, do you?”

  “Noooo,” I agreed, seeing them getting closer and closer would be agony. And if they didn’t get on, he’d probably just start dating someone else. After all, Earl’s was full of cute girls, almost all of whom had told me how lucky I was to have a guy like Matt. “Still the money’s so good there, and I need money or I’d have to move back home.”

  “Yeah, but you’re an experienced waitress, maybe you could make more money at a nicer place.”

  Hmmm, that was a good idea. I’d have to sleep on it, but it was certainly worth considering. Not having to see Matt would help me to forget him that much faster, and I certainly wouldn’t have to see him going out on dates.

  Bianca was still thinking, “In fact Frank, why don’t you get away for the summer?”

  “Where?”

  “You could stay with Chloë!”

  Bianca, Chloë and I had been three best friends in high school, and then Chloë went off to do her economics degree at Queen’s University in Kingston, Ontario. She usually came back every summer, but this year she got a job doing research for one of her profs, and we wouldn’t get to see her at all. Chloë had just been complaining to us on Skype that she had an empty house for the summer since her roommates had gone home. She had invited us to visit, but it was hard to figure out when I would get the time or the money.

  “I don’t know. I’ve never even been to Ontario, why would I want to move there?”

  “Duh! You need to get out in the world, you’re kind of a homebody and you never go anywhere.”

  “Not true, I’ve gone for family visits to… um, Calgary and Edmonton.” It was true I wasn’t a big traveller, but I had never wanted to go far from home.

  “Whoopee, I’m not counting car trips when you were twelve.”

  “I’ve been to the States, I’ve gone shopping in Bellingham!” I had gotten the cutest red shoes for only $19 there. Bianca rolled her eyes at this, but she was hardly the one to talk, she had strict Chinese parents and wasn’t exactly wild and crazy either. But her family did go to Hong Kong every year, so she was definitely more of a traveller. Then she got a canny look on her face, and flipped back her glossy black ponytail, “Besides, you want to show Matt that you’re an exciting person who does daring and adventurous things, right?”

  That decided me, I wasn’t the boring person Matt thought I was. I was going to have an adventure this summer. I’d move to Kingston and get a cool job there. My mom and dad wouldn’t be too thrilled about my leaving, but it was only for the summer.

  Bianca nodded in approval when she saw that I was going to take the leap. As she got up, she cocked her head. Reaching down, she opened a slightly ajar desk drawer and removed the half-full bag of cheesies I had hidden there after last night’s comfort eating session.

  “You’ll thank me later for this,” she said and left the room without a word.

  6. Kingston, the Limestone City

  I was on a plane to Toronto for my very first solo flight, and I was very excited. I felt daring, even if my entire family had taken me to the airport, and acted as if I was boarding the Titanic or something. My mom had been crying about her baby leaving Vancouver, and my dad had alternated between telling her not to be ridiculous and giving me painful hugs and more painful advice. My brothers were happy that I was paving the way so that when they left home it would be slightly less humiliating. Only my grandmother told me I was doing the right thing and suggested I “
go a little wild.”

  I had taken a leave of absence at Earl’s so I could go back in the fall if I wanted, and then I debated whether I should tell Matt that I was going away for the summer. Instead I told Shawntell that I was moving to Kingston. I may have misled that geographically-challenged birdbrain into thinking that I was going to Kingston, Jamaica, which she would then pass on to Matt. Take that, boring chartered accountant guy!

  Bianca was right, as I flew farther and farther from Vancouver, I thought less and less about Matt. I felt nervous, but at least I wasn’t obsessing about my own life. Truth be told, I did stick too close to home and familiar friends and family. For most people flying across the country would not be a big deal, but for me it was huge. I felt brave and nauseous at the same time.

  Chloë was ecstatic that I was coming and we had already planned a road trip from Kingston to Toronto where we’d get to see some cool art galleries and go shopping. I had a list of Toronto stores I had only read about that I would get to visit. I did my research on Kingston too, it was called the Limestone City because a lot of buildings were made of local limestone. Okay, that didn’t sound as exciting as The City That Never Sleeps or The City of Lights. And Kingston was tiny, like about one/tenth the size of Vancouver, so I was worried about finding a summer job there. But it was a change, and change was supposed to be good. A small town would be a good starting point for someone who had never lived anywhere else. Kingston didn’t even have an airport, so my flight was landing in Toronto. When I looked out the window as we descended, I was amazed, Toronto was so huge and it went on for miles. I actually saw the CN Tower as we were descending and I was feeling so excited about this whole adventure.

  I went to Special Handling and picked up Rex, who was stuffed into a cat carrying case and less than impressed by the whole cross-country experience. Even after I explained to Bianca and Lauren that cats prefer to stay in their own homes, they had absolutely refused to keep Rex for the summer. My mom was willing to take him, until he beat up both of her cats, and now here he was, all locked up and making a peculiar low crooning noise as I waited for my suitcases. People were giving us both a wide berth at the baggage carousel.

  Then I had to take an airport express bus to Kingston. Fortunately there were hardly any people on it, as Rex kept making that weird noise for the whole two hours it took us to get to Kingston. I tried slipping him treats, but that only shut him up momentarily. It was hardly a triumphant arrival to my new home. The bus driver actually offered to drop me off first, which was embarrassing yet convenient. I was pretty sure that I heard him mutter “Thank God that’s over,” as he passed my suitcases to me from the compartment under the bus.

  Chloë, understanding it was my first trip anywhere alone, was waiting on the sidewalk where the bus dropped me off and I was so happy to see her I almost cried with joy.

  “Chloë!”

  “Frankie!”

  We hugged each other. Chloë looked amazing, she had this geometric print mini-dress in primary colours and coordinating bright blue flats. Her light brown hair was cut in a smooth bob, and she wore blue dangly earrings and blue eyeliner. Chloë and I were so into vintage fashion. We met back in Textiles class where we both loved sewing and crafts. One day we had looked around at the fashion clones at our high school and decided that we were never shopping at Aritzia or AE ever again. Chloë was into the whole mod sixties look with fun prints and shift mini-dresses. I was more a fifties-girl, and I sewed dresses with poufy skirts and fitted waists. These days, everyone told me I looked like the women in Mad Men, but I was rocking this look way before that. When you’re built like me you have to emphasize your waist or you’ll look like a fire hydrant. If I had worn one of Chloë’s shift dresses I would have looked as sexy as a brick. However, for the plane ride I had gone casual and chosen a turquoise wrap top and yoga pants. With four suitcases and a cat carrier, I knew there would be some heavy lifting.

  In high school, Chloë, Bianca and I were like the Three Musketeers. I think we got along because we respected each other’s differences and welcomed the chance to learn about new things. Chloë taught me crafts beyond Textiles class, like fabric dying, knitting, embroidery and beading. She had learned them from her mother and grandmother. She had also introduced us to indie music, including concerts with about 15 other people in the room. Bianca made us all join a soccer team, where Chloë immediately sprained both ankles and quit, but I kept playing and ended up enjoying it a lot. Bianca and Chloë also loved geeky things like Japanese anime and sci-fi movies, but I managed to resist that particular obsession. And what was my expertise? Design, art, and guys. As the only one with two brothers and the first one to date, I was the go-to girl for all your relationship issues. Of course, with Matt dumping me, perhaps the gleam of my expertise was tarnished.

  “Whoa girl, you’re looking very mod and Mondrian!” I said, holding her out at arm’s length. Chloë was my only old friend who would go to art galleries with me.

  “Frank, we’ve got to go to this United Church rummage sale together. I’ve gotten the best stuff there. It’s like every old lady in Kingston donates her classic stuff there and last week I found these white go-go boots that had never been worn and these Pucci print… hey, what’s that weird noise?”

  “Oh, that’s Rex.” I pointed down to his case, hidden behind my suitcases.

  “Rex, the terror cat, that Bianca told me about?”

  “Nooooo, it’s Rex, the sweetie pie.” I was hoping that with a new start in a new city, Rex might become a nicer cat.

  Chloë peered behind my suitcases. “Oh my God, he’s enormous. Did he eat another cat on the way here?”

  “He’s not fat, he’s just height-challenged.” I was a little sensitive about weight insults, having endured a lot of them in my former life.

  “Okay, well whatever. Let’s get him home so he can stop making that noise,” Chloë said. Rex’s croon was starting to turn into a yowl and I noticed three guys across the street staring at us. Chloë gave Rex a speculative look as she picked up one of my suitcases. “Actually, I think I saw a mouse in the basement of the house, so Rex could be very welcome if he can move that furry butt fast enough to catch anything.”

  “No problem, he’s a great hunter,” I assured her.

  So far the only things I knew he had caught were my fuzzy slippers and Bianca’s feather trimmed knit cap, but I was sure a real mouse would be just up his alley. He had survived on the street after all.

  Jake

  Andrew pointed, “Shit! That’s her, the chick was I telling you about.”

  Tolly and I looked over. There were two girls across the street, hugging each other which is always hot to watch. Almost as good as girls dancing together at a club. Not as good as girls kissing.

  “Which one is she?” Tolly asked. I noticed that the little brunette was gorgeous with a smokin’ body, she was wearing those tight yoga pants and a blue top that showed off her big tits. The other girl had light brown hair and was wearing a dress; she was pretty too, but kind of skinny.

  “The one in the dress,” replied Andrew, he was getting a goofball look on his face. I had only been home a week, but I had already heard a lot about this chick he was crushing on: she worked at Queen’s and he was taking a summer course there. So far he hadn’t had the guts to talk to her, but the summer had just started.

  As we were watching them, we noticed a weird yowling noise. The little brunette looked over at us nervously and then picked up a pet carrying case and they pulled all these suitcases down Division Street. She had a great ass too, and I enjoyed the view as they walked away. With all that luggage, it looked like maybe she was moving here, which would be good news.

  “I wouldn’t mind her doing her friend,” I commented.

  “Perfecto, Jakester! You can snag the friend and then introduce me! We can like, double date,” Andrew suggested.

  “How am I going to do that? I may never see her again, it’s not like I know where she lives.”
Although, from the direction they were headed, it looked like somewhere in the student ghetto.

  “Excuses, excuses.” Andrew shook his head, “You’re the guy who always scoring the Hollywood chicks right? A sweet Canadian girl will be like putty in your hands, and besides, it’s Kingston in the summer. How can you miss a new hot girl around here? Just do your magic and I’ll be on her friend like white on rice.”

  I laughed and threw the soccer ball at him. He caught it and kept yakking, “C’mon, what’s the good of having a famous friend if I can’t use him to score the girl of my dreams?”

  “Yeah, Cooker, just use your charm and good looks to wheel that chick,” Tolly snorted. “And if that doesn’t work, tell her how much money you make.”

  “Go fuck yourselves, boys, because that’s one thing I never have to do,” I replied easily. We had known each other since about Grade 2, and everyone’s reactions were pretty predictable. “C’mon, let’s go play soccer.” Andrew still looked worried, so I reassured him, “You need to approach that girl yourself, it’ll be fine. She looks like she’s nice.”

  “Crap, I just get nervous.”

  “Maybe it’s like public speaking,” Tolly suggested, “You just imagine her naked and you feel less nervous.”

  “Yeah, I imagine her naked and the big frigging boner in my pants isn’t going to make anyone more comfortable,” Andrew said, shaking his head. He sure wasn’t the smoothest guy when it came to the ladies.

  “You never know, maybe that will make her more interested in you,” I joked.

  “Yeah, well that never seemed to work in high school, so why would it now?”

  “Chicks are all independent now, and in charge of their own sexuality.” Tolly stated. “That’s what the older chick I’m dating now told me.”

  “Sounds hot.” Andrew and I spoke at the same time and then laughed. Tolly agreed and started to tell us all about it.

  7. Get a Job

  To do: